Its so hard to see and hear news from new Orleans slowly coming. Hearing from friends and getting more and more from the news. A friend emailed me this morning unsure of what to do. His job is flooded and who knows when or if it will reopen. His home is flooded and has lost everything in it. He is headed towards family while he figures out what is next. I think about the people who didn't have private transportation or the money or other resources to leave the city and how they are surviving. Is there ever a plan for these people. Does the city or state think about how to evacuate these people.
Reading headlines like "Bush Views Katrina Devastation From Plane" makes me feel crazy. What a surprise that our president would witness the damage from his plush dry couch in the sky no where near the damage. I love that we have a "president" who is so good at passively watching destruction (like other destruction we know about).
so heartbreaking to see all this devastation.

I have been debating on if I should just combine my many blogs and make one. I have the art one, knitting one, and about 5 random ones. I recently started this one to have as a more public blog. Maybe I will make this one "it" and continue to add here and less in other places. Its becoming to much of a pain in the ass to maintain them all. Let's face it -I am lazy and am doing a bad job.

So I got my car on Friday afternoon so I once again have wheels. Feeling a little more in control of my life!!!!! So things will slowly start to fall into place.

maybe one day I will discover that I am okay just being me. that I am enough just where I am just how I am. Its so hard with rejection to see yourself clearly and remember that even though that person did not want you, it does not take away your value. Its so easy to get caught up in that self pity shit when someone says no I don't see you that way. Its hard when you know how fabulous you are but you are more then aware of your faults. afterall we are each are own worst critic. there is that voice that is screaming what is wrong with me. show me the defect. what can I fix. what can I shift. ugh. But in reality I don't want that. I want to say fuck you. I am this amazing creative, smart, sexy, silly, laughing and wise woman. Too bad you can't see this beauty.

but instead I retreat into myself.

I crave to know the intimate details of someone's body. to relish in its discovery for hours at a time. to feel someone's breath on my neck when I wake up in the morning. to take long and pointless drives just to have time together away from the craziness. to remember what it feels like to be loved and to love back. to remember it is okay to open up and let someone in that close again. to remember how fun it is to just to make out. to come home and not have to explain everything but be able to show where I am by a simple look. to laugh and laugh and laugh.

but instead I work on finding the beauty in this solitude right now. knowing it has purpose and truth for me.

Wanting to crawl inside right now, under the blankets of radiance

The blurred running lines of light seen as you are moving fast down a highway

Want them to move in reaction to my body

sophie barkers voice guiding hands and mouths moving over my body

Remembering moments alone able to shift and be satisfied

Instead of this feeling of needing and wanting of those belonging to another

Sliding into the moments of self ecstasy

Want that big city feeling right here

now

everything bigger then life

Pulsing down to my core

to marvel and explore on my own

Able to find wonder in everything

That feeling of fear and excitement

Hesitation and rushing

Like when you first meet someone

All the possibilities are there laying in front of you

Putting me in a trance of untold promises and stories

So easy to become invisible

To be whoever you want to be

Recreating yourself everyday

Making connections with your solitude

With those who cross your path

it doesn't always make any sense

and it doesn't constantly need to fit into your world

but somehow you connect

different places in our lives

feeling and seeing the same things

Everybody is a little lost

sometimes we just find a connection

that helps to re-inspire

center us

there is a memory created

of something that only lasts a short time

but stays with you forever

shifted

altered

remembering that

Everyone wants to be found

its a day a frustration and heartache and stress. it is certainly a day of patience and self compassion. once again my heart hurts from stupid boy. it is always a process. I am growing and coping better with this then normal. maybe it just seems minimal to my car and housing changes and other shifting in my life.

so the car saga continues... my car isn't worth fixing so I must search for a new one. have limited funds so a cheap not so hot car is in my furture. but having just moved to the boonies I need it. ugh. love cars until they don't work.

The fun never stops. My car is now in the shop for the second day in a row. It doesn't look good and my car may be done. I have no money for a new car and no way to get a loan. So I am feeling overwhelmed yet again. I just moved out into the middle of no where and now will not have a car. I AM STRESSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Didn't sleep last night so I am in an oh so special mood today. I wish I could curl up under my desk and take a nap. For like a year.

so many lessons to learn right now. I just want things a little easier for a while. Would like some relief. I just want to have some silliness and fun. Soon enough I will have more space again for it. I was so exhausted yesterday I could hardly do anything. I am exhausted at the thought of everything that has to be done at the new place. No hot water and ants are taking over everything. The animals are all checking out the scene carefully. We now have 1 dog and 6 cats trying to be in a home together. Emma is having a hard time adjusting. She seems miserable and is letting me know. Its so hard to see her having such a hard time. I am also having a difficult time of being calm with her when I come in and she has peed on my pillow to make it clear she is not happy about these new surroundings. She needs to give it a chance. She has the whole woods to run around in! She just isn't there yet.

I have my second belly dance class tonight and am very excited about it!!!!!I have been trying to start it forever!!!!! And finally did with terror last week. Luckily some of my knitting ladies joined me which made me feel better. I think that I could love belly dancing. Not very coordinated yet but feel I will get there!!!

I've never had so much shit tied to a house before. I finally finished my move last night at 1am. I totally melted down. This has been like a month long process to move. I like that it didn't feel completely rushed but it also felt like it would never end. I packed the rest of my shit into the car and rounded up the animals. I got everyone in the car after many horrid scratches from the cats.

As soon as I started to drive off I melted down. Maybe just from relief of it finally being done. Maybe from being upset with my new roommate for kind of running off at the end of the finishing of the house. Maybe because I was in pain from somehow injuring my knee during all of this. Maybe because I was saying good bye to everything that I had ever had in the house and was really saying goodbye to it. Really recognizing that the part of me and my life in that house was done. I was also overwhelmed with the feeling of fleeing for my life. I felt like I had packed up my kids and was running in the night to get away. Something felt weird about the whole thing. Probably just lack of sleep. Maybe just feeling the freedom of my escape from this prison of a house.

As I drove Emma made the one of the most heart wrenching sounds I have ever heard. It was this very deep throaty meow that was so reflective of how my own heart was feeling inside of me. I thought I might split open with grief if only for a moment. I just felt so raw.

I am also nervous about this new living situation and all that is wrapped up there. I am moving into someone else's space for the first time. So feeling a little lack of control and adjusting and bending myself into that. So many wonderful things out there at this new space. I have to remember that I have so much beauty to live in now. My living space and my heart.