ok so I haven't been feeling great lately. just in a rut or funk. so I haven't really wanted to share any of these thoughts. So I am trying to get it together and just be and remember beauty in the world and that life is really okay.

My bedroom this past weekend was lit up my the full moon. The light was so intense it was almost too bright to sleep. it was beautiful.

I worked with my friend Eric this past weekend to start an herb garden at my house. At the new place there is a large yard with lots of space for gardens. So we started the herb garden and made plans for other spots. I realized how much I don't know about native wild plants and how much I NEED to learn.

a friend said something that has really stuck with me these past few days. this idea of not being able to control how other people act but being able to control how we react to that person's actions. It is a true lesson right now with a friend I have who I adore but his actions + my reactions= explosions. So it is a skill I must learn and master.

there are so many weird things on my journey to and from home each day. so i have decided to take pictures and will eventually put them together for a photo journey. this is the first of many to come

so beautiful outside today. it is finally getting cooler outside and it makes me soooo happy. today was a day of being content with myself. woke up to the beautiful sunshine and my new roommate milling about the house. we drove into town and took the dog on a field trip while we ran errands and got brunch and laid in the grass by the pond. Kione chased geese and tried to jump in the water. we headed home to try out our new swing blade on our crazy yard but ended up laying around outside and talking. its one of those days you wish you were laying in the grass by a river and doing absolutely nothing but just being there in that moment. so it was a good day and i felt better then i have all week. i finally slept some last night. and with each day I feel more and more growth. i am slowly finding my way home to myself.

reminder to myself that i need to write about trying to "fix" old stuff in new situations.

I decided today that I will try to focus on the good of life and find beauty in the simple things. It has been a hard week emotionally but it has also been a good reflection of all the work up til now. I saw Norine yesterday and has some great realizations. So I feel like I can take thsoe and move forward. Knitting was wonderful last night. LOTS and LOTS of laughter!!!! Those ladies are fabulous.

Invocation

Come out of the dark earth
Here where the minerals
Glow in their stone cells
Deeper than seed or birth.

Come under the strong wave
Here where the tug goes
As the tide turns and flows
Below that architrave.

Come into the pure air
Above all heaviness
Of storm and cloud to this
Light-possessed atmosphere.

Come into, out of, under
The earth, the wave, the air.
Love, touch us everywhere
With primeval candor.

~May Sarton

So once again learning lessons of balance between my mind and heart. Learning to be open to new things and new people but to not let them in too quickly. Remembering how wonderful and good I am despite the ingrained recordings in my head saying different things. I hate that I can so easily let someone else make me feel so bad. I hate that its never how that person treated me like shit but how I must have done something bad or something must be wrong with me. Its a struggle in my head these days between knowing that is not true and not quite completely feeling that way yet. In some weird inbetween place. I have worked through enough to know the truth and reality but am still holding onto old stuff and have a hard time really being present with the truth. Its hard to have compassion for myself in these struggles of finding myself in the middle of the shit.

the other night I felt like I was so close to going down in it. Into that horrible spiral downward. But I felt like shit and was okay. It doesn't always have to be "that bad". I can feel bad and not get sunk. That part felt good. That part of not getting lost in the feeling and letting it take control.

the reality is that this situation does not even deserve this attention. This person does not deserve me. Oh my addiction to men who are emotionally needy and don't grasp reality. When will I get that shit off of me?

so I take it a day at a time. Remind myself that life is actually good and that I have wonderful people in my life and that I am learning everyday about myself.

Check out this blog on the situation in New Orleans http://mgno.com/
it is so crazy to really be starting to get pictures and stories of what is "really" going on in New Orleans. People have been sending me links all morning. Each one is worse then the next. The violence and anger and fear that is increasing in that beautiful city. People are just trying to survive and with that comes desperation.