So once again learning lessons of balance between my mind and heart. Learning to be open to new things and new people but to not let them in too quickly. Remembering how wonderful and good I am despite the ingrained recordings in my head saying different things. I hate that I can so easily let someone else make me feel so bad. I hate that its never how that person treated me like shit but how I must have done something bad or something must be wrong with me. Its a struggle in my head these days between knowing that is not true and not quite completely feeling that way yet. In some weird inbetween place. I have worked through enough to know the truth and reality but am still holding onto old stuff and have a hard time really being present with the truth. Its hard to have compassion for myself in these struggles of finding myself in the middle of the shit.

the other night I felt like I was so close to going down in it. Into that horrible spiral downward. But I felt like shit and was okay. It doesn't always have to be "that bad". I can feel bad and not get sunk. That part felt good. That part of not getting lost in the feeling and letting it take control.

the reality is that this situation does not even deserve this attention. This person does not deserve me. Oh my addiction to men who are emotionally needy and don't grasp reality. When will I get that shit off of me?

so I take it a day at a time. Remind myself that life is actually good and that I have wonderful people in my life and that I am learning everyday about myself.