Found this great book this past week called PostSecret. It started off as a blog where people mail in anonymous postcards sharing their deepest secrets. sad, funny, disturbing. go check out the blog. They update it each Sunday.

is hot water so much to ask for?

sooooooo. it was pointed out to me last night that I have posted nothing here since november. and sadly so much has happened in my life since then that has gone pretty much undocumented. I always have an easy time documenting the shit in my life but really suck at documenting the good stuff. maybe i do it on purpose. maybe i don't want to remember there was really great stuff happening. so i am makign it my goal to do better here. even if its little stuff. i don't have to write epic stories. i can share the small stuff.

frustrating night all bellydance. I hate zills. They will be the end of my bellydance career. I am just not the most coordinated person. so to move my arm s and feet is a miracle all itself and then to have to play zills on top of it. aghhhhhhhhhh
starting a drumming/zills workshop at the end of this month which can only help me.

I have been awful at writing here lately. So sad since so much has been going on and has gone undocumented. I have had a whirlwind of emotions, events and life going on in the past month. I feel like I am starting to get some breathing room finally.

went camping this past weekend and it was beautiful. Went with an old friend and it was wonderful and confusing at the same time.

I have been craving art. I really need to create some space in my room where some of that can happen!!!! I have been wanting to paint so much lately. It would make me feel better!

well this is all I have time for now since I must be off to bellydancing.

tiptoeing through the used condoms
strewn on the piers
off the west side highway
sunset behind the skyline of jersey
walking towards the water
with a fetus holding court in my gut
my body highjacked
my tits swollen
I'm sore
the river has more colors at sunset than my sock drawer ever dreamed of
I could wake up screaming sometimes
but I don't
I could step off the end of this pier
but I've got shit to do
and I've an appointment on tuesday
to shed uninvited blood and tissue
I'll miss you I say to the river
to the water
to the son or
daughter I thought better of
I could fall in love with jersey at sunset
but I leave
the view
to the rats
and tiptoe back

-Ani Difranco

do you ever wonder why a person has been but into your life? what lesson are you supposed to learn from this person? it is a struggle to not get lost in this person and there is so much frustration with this person as well.

I would like:
boundaries
breaking patterns
letting go
being able to step away
not needed to save
getting to be me fully
to be seen clearly even with my shit there
to see others clearly even with their shit there
to be held
to break illusions
to be content with myself
to find peace in the solitude

i am feeling Origami is what I am needing to listen to

ok so I haven't been feeling great lately. just in a rut or funk. so I haven't really wanted to share any of these thoughts. So I am trying to get it together and just be and remember beauty in the world and that life is really okay.

My bedroom this past weekend was lit up my the full moon. The light was so intense it was almost too bright to sleep. it was beautiful.

I worked with my friend Eric this past weekend to start an herb garden at my house. At the new place there is a large yard with lots of space for gardens. So we started the herb garden and made plans for other spots. I realized how much I don't know about native wild plants and how much I NEED to learn.

a friend said something that has really stuck with me these past few days. this idea of not being able to control how other people act but being able to control how we react to that person's actions. It is a true lesson right now with a friend I have who I adore but his actions + my reactions= explosions. So it is a skill I must learn and master.